An e-letter from Dennis...

"Hey babe..

I don't really know where to start.. so many things going trough my mind right now..
I'm still trying to orden my own thoughts, so it's hard to put them to words already but I'll try.

A lot happened this week that really make me think...
Right now I feel...hmm... I think the best word would be depressed.
I've been confronted with myself by a lot of people this week... it all just keeps adding up.

It started out last monday.. when you suddenly told me about not wanting to persue a relationship with me anymore.
Your words hit me like a truck... and made me feel the doubts you must have been feeling that led to you saying these things.
It was like you woke me up from a dream... a dream of you and me in Malaysia.
Ok well you were there, you know what happened.. no need to explain more I guess.
Afterwards I (we) pretended like nothing happened but the damage was already done..

Later this week my mum n dad suddenly came by, the two of them together, which is very exceptional since they're seperated of course.
Turned out they were very worried about me and wanted to confront me together.
I'm not gonna repeat all that's been said here... bottomline of the conversation was them seeing me being estranged from the world around me.
They said I'm loosing sight of everything around me and living an irrational dream of being somewhere else..
They wanted me to get my feet back on the ground and return to where I belong.
Also, they we're upset with me going back to Malaysia AGAIN next month... spending all my money without giving it second thought.
And they told me I could never leave my kids behind... that if I chose to move and leave them behind it would be the worst thing I ever did

Apart from them I spoke to some other people this week I haven't spoken to in a while.
For one my dad's ex wife with whom I used to be very close.. I have to say used to be cause after talking to her I have to say I lost our friendship.
She was very mad at me and dissapointed in me... telling me I just dissapeared after what happened between her and my dad earlier this year.
She sent me emails and tried to call me, and I just didn't reply.
Eveything she says is true you know.. I'm ashamed to admit she's right but she is..
I have not made any contact with her the past few months... whilst I knew she needed me in this difficult time.

Another friend called me this week... he's the one who lost his father a few months ago.
He used to be like my best friend, or at least one of my best friends... always there whenever I needed him... especially when I was going trough some bad times in the past.
Same story... mad at me for not being around, not keeping in touch... not supporting him when he needed me there.

Bottomline is I've been neglecting everything and everyone around me here.
My family, my friends, my belongings... everything... even at work I'm not as motivated as I should be...
I've been 'hiding' in Malaysia for months now... maybe even years, since my first visit in 2006... and I think I maybe did this trying to run from my life here, more really wanting it that bad..
I've lost touch with reality... and by doing so I am lossing or have already lost friends here... and upsetting a lot of people..
I was hiding in a dream, and now I woke up... and it feels like hell.
I'm having trouble sleeping, headaches getting worse and no appetite for food... I hardly ate this week.
My stomach just feels to upset by all this to be able to eat well... I feel so bad mentally it reflects on my physical condition.

I don't really know what to do now.
I made my plans with you the past few months and totally lost touch with everything I have here.... I was blind for what I was doing to all the people around me.
It all came back to me this week... and hit me HARD. And knocked me down...
I never wanted to hurt anyone, but my selfishness has made me blind for all I have done.
I don't wanna hurt you too, but I'm afraid I can't prevent this from happening.
Actually... I think I already hurt you a lot... I know how much you miss me when I'm not there... I should never have put you trough this..
Again, I've been selfish, asking you to wait for me while I am all the way here... I have not been fair too you

Lucia I messed everything up... and I don't know where to start and what to do to make it right.
There's even more going on then this... I just can't put it all to words..
I thought I knew it all but I've been so selfish and foolish... I am so sorry
I'm gonna need time to figure out how n what I want from life.
Babe I really hate having to make this decision but I need to postpone my visit... I'm really of no use to you now..
I feel so down and out by all I've been confronted with... I need to find myself again first.
And I have a lot I need to make right...

I am really sorry.. I don't know what else to say now.. I'm empty already... but need to work..
There's more but enough already..."