An e-letter from Dennis...

"Hey babe..

I don't really know where to start.. so many things going trough my mind right now..
I'm still trying to orden my own thoughts, so it's hard to put them to words already but I'll try.

A lot happened this week that really make me think...
Right now I feel...hmm... I think the best word would be depressed.
I've been confronted with myself by a lot of people this week... it all just keeps adding up.

It started out last monday.. when you suddenly told me about not wanting to persue a relationship with me anymore.
Your words hit me like a truck... and made me feel the doubts you must have been feeling that led to you saying these things.
It was like you woke me up from a dream... a dream of you and me in Malaysia.
Ok well you were there, you know what happened.. no need to explain more I guess.
Afterwards I (we) pretended like nothing happened but the damage was already done..

Later this week my mum n dad suddenly came by, the two of them together, which is very exceptional since they're seperated of course.
Turned out they were very worried about me and wanted to confront me together.
I'm not gonna repeat all that's been said here... bottomline of the conversation was them seeing me being estranged from the world around me.
They said I'm loosing sight of everything around me and living an irrational dream of being somewhere else..
They wanted me to get my feet back on the ground and return to where I belong.
Also, they we're upset with me going back to Malaysia AGAIN next month... spending all my money without giving it second thought.
And they told me I could never leave my kids behind... that if I chose to move and leave them behind it would be the worst thing I ever did

Apart from them I spoke to some other people this week I haven't spoken to in a while.
For one my dad's ex wife with whom I used to be very close.. I have to say used to be cause after talking to her I have to say I lost our friendship.
She was very mad at me and dissapointed in me... telling me I just dissapeared after what happened between her and my dad earlier this year.
She sent me emails and tried to call me, and I just didn't reply.
Eveything she says is true you know.. I'm ashamed to admit she's right but she is..
I have not made any contact with her the past few months... whilst I knew she needed me in this difficult time.

Another friend called me this week... he's the one who lost his father a few months ago.
He used to be like my best friend, or at least one of my best friends... always there whenever I needed him... especially when I was going trough some bad times in the past.
Same story... mad at me for not being around, not keeping in touch... not supporting him when he needed me there.

Bottomline is I've been neglecting everything and everyone around me here.
My family, my friends, my belongings... everything... even at work I'm not as motivated as I should be...
I've been 'hiding' in Malaysia for months now... maybe even years, since my first visit in 2006... and I think I maybe did this trying to run from my life here, more really wanting it that bad..
I've lost touch with reality... and by doing so I am lossing or have already lost friends here... and upsetting a lot of people..
I was hiding in a dream, and now I woke up... and it feels like hell.
I'm having trouble sleeping, headaches getting worse and no appetite for food... I hardly ate this week.
My stomach just feels to upset by all this to be able to eat well... I feel so bad mentally it reflects on my physical condition.

I don't really know what to do now.
I made my plans with you the past few months and totally lost touch with everything I have here.... I was blind for what I was doing to all the people around me.
It all came back to me this week... and hit me HARD. And knocked me down...
I never wanted to hurt anyone, but my selfishness has made me blind for all I have done.
I don't wanna hurt you too, but I'm afraid I can't prevent this from happening.
Actually... I think I already hurt you a lot... I know how much you miss me when I'm not there... I should never have put you trough this..
Again, I've been selfish, asking you to wait for me while I am all the way here... I have not been fair too you

Lucia I messed everything up... and I don't know where to start and what to do to make it right.
There's even more going on then this... I just can't put it all to words..
I thought I knew it all but I've been so selfish and foolish... I am so sorry
I'm gonna need time to figure out how n what I want from life.
Babe I really hate having to make this decision but I need to postpone my visit... I'm really of no use to you now..
I feel so down and out by all I've been confronted with... I need to find myself again first.
And I have a lot I need to make right...

I am really sorry.. I don't know what else to say now.. I'm empty already... but need to work..
There's more but enough already..."

Long distance LOVE

im back... im back... just because i feel like i want to write... i wanna say something. something that u can't really share verbally... Long distance relationship, HAVE u ever? How would you explain to your friends, when they don’t really seems to ‘get it’ that you’re in a relationship and not single???Long distance love can provide plenty and thousand of dilemmas. It is not something any women on this earth plans n looking for, and no matter how much you gloss over the obstacles, they’re extremely hard to ignore. You met a fantastic guy, and you are all over in love for barely in weeks(and that we called LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT)… and later it’s time to leave and you’re both in flood of tears. You cling to each other and vow to be faithful and hook up over the phone, email, and in flesh as often as you can. As you wave goodbye, you feel heartbroken because you’re parting but convinced you can make this relationship work despite the MILESsssss between you. Are all these sounds familiar? Hmm… it’s like a scene cut from the drama and it’s terribly romantic… BUT cut to 3 months down the road, will u still be madly in love? Or will u be worried that he’s seeing other women because you’re feeling so lonely? There’s a HUGE problem of forking out the sky high travel fees for planes just so you can be together. When you’re not together, if you get held up and can’t call when you promised, it becomes a BIG deal- like you’re missing a date with him. In fact, you feel like you spend half your life on the phone, email, and sharing everything from your intermost thought to the detail of your routine. Finally there’s the whole thorny issue of how things will play out in the end. CLEARLY, if you want a life together you can’t keep loving from afar- but which one of u is going to uproot their lives and move to be with other? Dilemma… Though this concern sound so daunting, being in Long distance love often believe that love will conquer all and then ignores the minuses that can indirectly gives a big impact to the relationship. Look it from another way, long distance love might also add another whole new dimension to communication and quality time together. When you’re going out to see someone you rarely see face to face, there’s a high voltage passion and desire each time you get together, u get to enjoy the first flush of love over and over. Meanwhile, if you’re constantly communicating by email and phone or text, you tend to have long, deep and meaningful conversations that encourage you to get to know each other on a way more mature and profound level.It is always a headache and frustrating when you found the right guy and he’s in the wrong city, wrong country . Well the ground rules is, it certainly doesn’t work if you’re counting down the days till u see him while he’s counting the number of single girls he can date while you’re apart. It should be something like being faithful, how often you will stay in touch and how often you will make effort to see each other. Bringing up this question upfront so you’re clear on where you stand and it will help you a lot from heartache and hassle down the track. When u got the chance to see him, please ensure not to cram the whole relationship into one week or so. Make sure that you have a friend to be with tp pick up the pieces when he leaves ( mine was kBin), cause you will fall to the deepest heap as you adjust to live the life without him again. This distance love can be a bit an emotional rollercoaster with a sudden highs followed by a big low. So don’t make the mistake of spending your whole weekend sitting in your room and being miserable. That’s horrible! Hook up with girlfriends so u will be away from missing your long distance boyfriend. When you come to a point that you both are really committed, who is going to uproot their life and sacrifice for their partner? Another horrible n scary nightmare.. Ultimately, one has to make the sacrifice in ordre for your relationship to survive and prosper! if it is you that have to make the move, make sure you’re doing the right decision! don’t ever uproot your life if you’re doing it because you fear that he’s starting to fall out of love with you. It would be a disaster to leave a great job and you friends and family. All this time, you’ve been together you’ve only seen each other in short burst when you’ve both been on your best bahaviour. Have to really think wise and deep, if you later find out that u cant find a job after you move, you will slowly end up resenting him for slowing down your career. But if you decide to move and go ahead, be ready for the mix feeling. Although you’re doing something exciting for you n your guy, your heart, social life and bank balance are going to suffer! For those who are in distance love, this can be torturing at times but if u survive the separation, you’ve passed one of the toughest love tests.