"Hey babe..
I don't really know where to start.. so many things going trough my mind right now..
I'm still trying to orden my own thoughts, so it's hard to put them to words already but I'll try.
A lot happened this week that really make me think...
Right now I feel...hmm... I think the best word would be depressed.
I've been confronted with myself by a lot of people this week... it all just keeps adding up.
It started out last monday.. when you suddenly told me about not wanting to persue a relationship with me anymore.
Your words hit me like a truck... and made me feel the doubts you must have been feeling that led to you saying these things.
It was like you woke me up from a dream... a dream of you and me in Malaysia.
Ok well you were there, you know what happened.. no need to explain more I guess.
Afterwards I (we) pretended like nothing happened but the damage was already done..
Later this week my mum n dad suddenly came by, the two of them together, which is very exceptional since they're seperated of course.
Turned out they were very worried about me and wanted to confront me together.
I'm not gonna repeat all that's been said here... bottomline of the conversation was them seeing me being estranged from the world around me.
They said I'm loosing sight of everything around me and living an irrational dream of being somewhere else..
They wanted me to get my feet back on the ground and return to where I belong.
Also, they we're upset with me going back to Malaysia AGAIN next month... spending all my money without giving it second thought.
And they told me I could never leave my kids behind... that if I chose to move and leave them behind it would be the worst thing I ever did
Apart from them I spoke to some other people this week I haven't spoken to in a while.
For one my dad's ex wife with whom I used to be very close.. I have to say used to be cause after talking to her I have to say I lost our friendship.
She was very mad at me and dissapointed in me... telling me I just dissapeared after what happened between her and my dad earlier this year.
She sent me emails and tried to call me, and I just didn't reply.
Eveything she says is true you know.. I'm ashamed to admit she's right but she is..
I have not made any contact with her the past few months... whilst I knew she needed me in this difficult time.
Another friend called me this week... he's the one who lost his father a few months ago.
He used to be like my best friend, or at least one of my best friends... always there whenever I needed him... especially when I was going trough some bad times in the past.
Same story... mad at me for not being around, not keeping in touch... not supporting him when he needed me there.
Bottomline is I've been neglecting everything and everyone around me here.
My family, my friends, my belongings... everything... even at work I'm not as motivated as I should be...
I've been 'hiding' in Malaysia for months now... maybe even years, since my first visit in 2006... and I think I maybe did this trying to run from my life here, more really wanting it that bad..
I've lost touch with reality... and by doing so I am lossing or have already lost friends here... and upsetting a lot of people..
I was hiding in a dream, and now I woke up... and it feels like hell.
I'm having trouble sleeping, headaches getting worse and no appetite for food... I hardly ate this week.
My stomach just feels to upset by all this to be able to eat well... I feel so bad mentally it reflects on my physical condition.
I don't really know what to do now.
I made my plans with you the past few months and totally lost touch with everything I have here.... I was blind for what I was doing to all the people around me.
It all came back to me this week... and hit me HARD. And knocked me down...
I never wanted to hurt anyone, but my selfishness has made me blind for all I have done.
I don't wanna hurt you too, but I'm afraid I can't prevent this from happening.
Actually... I think I already hurt you a lot... I know how much you miss me when I'm not there... I should never have put you trough this..
Again, I've been selfish, asking you to wait for me while I am all the way here... I have not been fair too you
Lucia I messed everything up... and I don't know where to start and what to do to make it right.
There's even more going on then this... I just can't put it all to words..
I thought I knew it all but I've been so selfish and foolish... I am so sorry
I'm gonna need time to figure out how n what I want from life.
Babe I really hate having to make this decision but I need to postpone my visit... I'm really of no use to you now..
I feel so down and out by all I've been confronted with... I need to find myself again first.
And I have a lot I need to make right...
I am really sorry.. I don't know what else to say now.. I'm empty already... but need to work..
There's more but enough already..."
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Long distance LOVE
im back... im back... just because i feel like i want to write... i wanna say something. something that u can't really share verbally... You met a fantastic guy, and you are all over in love for barely in weeks(and that we called LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT)… and later it’s time to leave and you’re both in flood of tears. You cling to each other and vow to be faithful and hook up over the phone, email, and in flesh as often as you can. As you wave goodbye, you feel heartbroken because you’re parting but convinced you can make this relationship work despite the MILESsssss between you. Are all these sounds familiar? Hmm… it’s like a scene cut from the drama and it’s terribly romantic… BUT cut to 3 months down the road, will u still be madly in love? Or will u be worried that he’s seeing other women because you’re feeling so lonely? There’s a HUGE problem of forking out the sky high travel fees for planes just so you can be together. When you’re not together, if you get held up and can’t call when you promised, it becomes a BIG deal- like you’re missing a date with him. In fact, you feel like you spend half your life on the phone, email, and sharing everything from your intermost thought to the detail of your routine. Finally there’s the whole thorny issue of how things will play out in the end. CLEARLY, if you want a life together you can’t keep loving from afar- but which one of u is going to uproot their lives and move to be with other? Dilemma… Though this concern sound so daunting, being in Long distance love often believe that love will conquer all and then ignores the minuses that can indirectly gives a big impact to the relationship. Look it from another way, long distance love might also add another whole new dimension to communication and quality time together. When you’re going out to see someone you rarely see face to face, there’s a high voltage passion and desire each time you get together, u get to enjoy the first flush of love over and over. Meanwhile, if you’re constantly communicating by email and phone or text, you tend to have long, deep and meaningful conversations that encourage you to get to know each other on a way more mature and profound level.It is always a headache and frustrating when you found the right guy and he’s in the wrong city, wrong country . Well the ground rules is, it certainly doesn’t work if you’re counting down the days till u see him while he’s counting the number of single girls he can date while you’re apart. It should be something like being faithful, how often you will stay in touch and how often you will make effort to see each other. Bringing up this question upfront so you’re clear on where you stand and it will help you a lot from heartache and hassle down the track. When u got the chance to see him, please ensure not to cram the whole relationship into one week or so. Make sure that you have a friend to be with tp pick up the pieces when he leaves ( mine was kBin), cause you will fall to the deepest heap as you adjust to live the life without him again. This distance love can be a bit an emotional rollercoaster with a sudden highs followed by a big low. So don’t make the mistake of spending your whole weekend sitting in your room and being miserable. That’s horrible! Hook up with girlfriends so u will be away from missing your long distance boyfriend. When you come to a point that you both are really committed, who is going to uproot their life and sacrifice for their partner? Another horrible n scary nightmare.. Ultimately, one has to make the sacrifice in ordre for your relationship to survive and prosper! if it is you that have to make the move, make sure you’re doing the right decision! don’t ever uproot your life if you’re doing it because you fear that he’s starting to fall out of love with you. It would be a disaster to leave a great job and you friends and family. All this time, you’ve been together you’ve only seen each other in short burst when you’ve both been on your best bahaviour. Have to really think wise and deep, if you later find out that u cant find a job after you move, you will slowly end up resenting him for slowing down your career. But if you decide to move and go ahead, be ready for the mix feeling. Although you’re doing something exciting for you n your guy, your heart, social life and bank balance are going to suffer! For those who are in distance love, this can be torturing at times but if u survive the separation, you’ve passed one of the toughest love tests. |
Friday, August 22, 2008
Driving
im driving back home... on a road that is empty. strange... this road use to be busy, as it is the main road that connecting KL . As i drove on this empty road, i can hear the puff of air as my car swift. I feel the tranquility, the sky was so bright and blue.
i reached home, and put my bag aside. I called dear Isabelle...
i reached home, and put my bag aside. I called dear Isabelle...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
A Broken Promise
A young man has accidentally hit a car in front of him after he had reckless driving behaviour.
He immediately ran out of his car, to see the condition of the casualty rooted from his lame slapdash.
An old man with a warm fatherly-looked, had this bleeding at his forehead, and he is motionless. He seems to be engulfed by this accident, speechless not due to the pain, but probably traumatized.
His car was in a severe dented, bumper fell off, car plate broken into 2 pieces.
Looking at the victim, made this young man embraced by guiltiness and apologetic.
To console this old man, he came to him and said “ Pakcik, kita settle kes ni kat sini je ye? Nanti saya ganti semua kerosakan kereta pakcik, bawa pakcik ke hospital, saya akan tanggung semua nya, SAYA JANJI! Kalau pakcik setuju, kita janji settle kat sini je, ye ?”
Which literally means…
“Uncle, could we solve and settle this case here? I will bear all the cost for your car, and the medical expenses. I PROMISE! If you agree with this, then we settle it here, ok?”
The old man nodded his head, agreed. They both later went to the clinic and sent the car to workshop for repair. As what the young had promised, he paid all the car bills and medicine cost.
The old man went back home, and told his family the bad day he went through. Coincidentally, his son is a policeman. Knowing his dad knocked by a young man, he was angry, furiously say “ Ayah, mana boleh macam tu! Buat report polis lah!” ( Dad, it can’t be like this! Just lodge a police report- against him!”
This old man blindly followed what the son has commanded him.
Upon receiving a compound from policeman, this young man met this old man, and confronted him.
He said “ Pakcik, sekarang pakcik dah buat report kat polis, saya pun dah dapat surat kompaun, TAPI tak apa, saya tetap akan bayar. Cuma saya terkilan, kenapa pakcik tak tunaikan janji? Saya dah tunaikan janji saya, tapi pacik dah mungkirkan janji…”
(In summary, this young man expressed his disappointment toward this old man, for not keeping his promise to close the car accident case, and tell the old man that he will somehow proceed with the compound payment.)
After a couple months later, a weird disease attacked this old man. He has all this rashes around his mouth, hand and body. He went to see many doctors, but none of the medicine can cure him.
He later realized and feel that, this is probably some kind of punishment he ought to receive upon his stupidity in not KEEPING his PROMISE and being plainly unfair.
He has been searching for this young man, seeking for forgiveness, but SURPRISINGLY the young man had gone…
This is a real life-story shared by my elder brother.
Well, it is not that I have to necessarily believe that this is the punishment he received for not making his promise.
We never know, and no one knows. It may have been a great coincident that he got this illness right at the point where he fully feel regret for lodging police report against this guy, subsequently made a conclusion that this is the punishment for not keeping his promise.
I don't conclude here and fully swallow the fact that this old man having the disease for his misbehaviour. i don't know...
This story is simple, somehow it has deeply touches me, in a way that, it make me realize, that I sometimes being neglectful, forgetful and ungrateful for what I have in hand.
Most importantly, this real life-story reminds me to not break any PROMISE.
He immediately ran out of his car, to see the condition of the casualty rooted from his lame slapdash.
An old man with a warm fatherly-looked, had this bleeding at his forehead, and he is motionless. He seems to be engulfed by this accident, speechless not due to the pain, but probably traumatized.
His car was in a severe dented, bumper fell off, car plate broken into 2 pieces.
Looking at the victim, made this young man embraced by guiltiness and apologetic.
To console this old man, he came to him and said “ Pakcik, kita settle kes ni kat sini je ye? Nanti saya ganti semua kerosakan kereta pakcik, bawa pakcik ke hospital, saya akan tanggung semua nya, SAYA JANJI! Kalau pakcik setuju, kita janji settle kat sini je, ye ?”
Which literally means…
“Uncle, could we solve and settle this case here? I will bear all the cost for your car, and the medical expenses. I PROMISE! If you agree with this, then we settle it here, ok?”
The old man nodded his head, agreed. They both later went to the clinic and sent the car to workshop for repair. As what the young had promised, he paid all the car bills and medicine cost.
The old man went back home, and told his family the bad day he went through. Coincidentally, his son is a policeman. Knowing his dad knocked by a young man, he was angry, furiously say “ Ayah, mana boleh macam tu! Buat report polis lah!” ( Dad, it can’t be like this! Just lodge a police report- against him!”
This old man blindly followed what the son has commanded him.
Upon receiving a compound from policeman, this young man met this old man, and confronted him.
He said “ Pakcik, sekarang pakcik dah buat report kat polis, saya pun dah dapat surat kompaun, TAPI tak apa, saya tetap akan bayar. Cuma saya terkilan, kenapa pakcik tak tunaikan janji? Saya dah tunaikan janji saya, tapi pacik dah mungkirkan janji…”
(In summary, this young man expressed his disappointment toward this old man, for not keeping his promise to close the car accident case, and tell the old man that he will somehow proceed with the compound payment.)
After a couple months later, a weird disease attacked this old man. He has all this rashes around his mouth, hand and body. He went to see many doctors, but none of the medicine can cure him.
He later realized and feel that, this is probably some kind of punishment he ought to receive upon his stupidity in not KEEPING his PROMISE and being plainly unfair.
He has been searching for this young man, seeking for forgiveness, but SURPRISINGLY the young man had gone…
This is a real life-story shared by my elder brother.
Well, it is not that I have to necessarily believe that this is the punishment he received for not making his promise.
We never know, and no one knows. It may have been a great coincident that he got this illness right at the point where he fully feel regret for lodging police report against this guy, subsequently made a conclusion that this is the punishment for not keeping his promise.
I don't conclude here and fully swallow the fact that this old man having the disease for his misbehaviour. i don't know...
This story is simple, somehow it has deeply touches me, in a way that, it make me realize, that I sometimes being neglectful, forgetful and ungrateful for what I have in hand.
Most importantly, this real life-story reminds me to not break any PROMISE.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Very inspiring...
SLEEP LATE AGAIN... i had terrible time to wake up, i've been slept only for 4hrs. still heavy eyes now...
about 6 this morning, my phone was ringing and i saw the screen display "TRIDENT 17" TRIDENT 17, a work call from the rig... my finger just DIDN't want to push the answer button!!!~crazy~ how could this be... somehow this is still not strong enough to wake my little brain cell to work actively. i continued to sleep back...
about 7am, i opened half of my eyes, saw 2 MISSED calls... from "TRIDENT 17" and a text message from drilling superintendant. STill it didn't really creating any vibration or pulse that can gear up my brain cell. sleep again....
15mins later...DAMMIT!!! I HAVE MISSED CALL!!!!
this is the signed that my brain cell just been rejuvenated after few attempts.
I have missed several important call from the rig... feel very 'guilty' and like i have to be punished for not answering!!!
then, made a call back to the rig, and damn it!!!... logging problem :( I KNEW IT...i KNEW it... everytime when i miss the phone, it always A CALL that required decision from the team due to any unforseen circumstances! It just so happen that, i missed the IMPORTANT call when somethind bad is happen... hmmm... maybe IT just doesn't want me to answer BAD CALL... (IT referring to whom?...to what subject??? hehehhe..i dunno either! whatever IT is.)
BUT luckily im not in bad shape, problem still able to be rectified... long relief.....Deep Inhale....Long exhale.... feel better now.
STOP about work. that is not the one and only thing i want to jot here.
it will be way different of reaction can be expected when we had missed call from family, friends, loved one, relative, boss, colleague.
Family, hardly missed their call, even if i miss, i somehow jut have this suernatural reaction of picking up the phone in no seconds and dial back. Urgent or not, i just do that... well,it;s a family bonding thing :) blood is thicker than water!
From friends and colleague, i tend to missed their call. be it my cellphone in the silent mode, or i had something in hand that i m unable to answer the call.
From loved one, i wish i received any call from loved one, which is i don't have or i have or i never have or ..ahh whatever it is laaaahhh!!!
i read this article, whch make me smile today, very nice one :) and trully inspiring!!
Sports mums juggle duties
Trying to be a mother and a champion Olympian simultaneously is a tough task, but the Beijing Games has its fair share of mums juggling their duties.
BEJING (AFP) -
Trying to be a mother and a champion Olympian simultaneously is a tough task, but the Beijing Games has its fair share of mums juggling their duties.
Some of the better-known include British marathon runner Paula Radcliffe, American tennis star Lindsay Davenport, and Japan's seven-time world judo champion Ryoko Tani.
But there are plenty more changing nappies one minute and training the next.
Italian fencer Valentina Vezzali hasn't let having a child get in her way of being the best in the world, making Olympics history here by becoming the first person to win three successive individual titles with victory in the foil.
She did it for her son.
"My son asked me for a medal, but he didn't ask for a particular one," she said. "Here it is."
Judoka Xian Dongmei put family matters on hold to achieve her Olympic dream, and now she is China's first gold-medal mum she can't wait to return home.
"I miss my child so much," said Xian who defended her women's -52kg title.
"After the Olympics I will go back home quickly and make up for the love I have missed."
Xian gave birth to daughter Liu Jiahui in January last year, had been criticised in local media as "cold-hearted" for giving up feeding her baby after seven months to focus on her Olympic build up.
They are not the first supermums to win a medal after going through labour.
Ethiopia's Derartu Tulu, the 10,000-metre Olympic gold medallist in 1992, won the title again in 2000 two years after giving birth to a daughter.
And Australia's Jana Rawlinson, missing from Beijing due to injury, famously regained her 400-metre hurdles world title last year just eights months after having a baby.
US swimmer Dara Torres has a two-year-old daughter Tessa and at 41 is old enough to be the mother of many athletes in Beijing.
Yet despite having a young child she was driven to get back in the water and became the oldest Olympic swimming medallist ever when she anchored the US team to silver in the 4x100 metres freestyle relay this week.
"There are a lot of middle-aged women and men, who have contacted me or stopped me in the street, and they have told me that I am an inspiration to them," she said.
The legendary Tani, 32, has become a source of inspiration for working mothers in a male-dominated Japanese society since giving birth to her son in late 2005 and returning to her sport after a two-year maternity break.
The double Olympic gold medallist managed a bronze here, and said her family inspired her to compete again when many felt she would retire.
"Without the support of my family, I would not have made a new challenge. I stood on the tatami (mat) with the same feeling as one of the mothers out there," she said.
The 34-year-old Radcliffe, determined to make amends for her shock defeat at the Athens Olympics when broke down in tears, is back at her best after taking time off last year to have her first child.
She made a remarkable comeback soon after delivering Isla by winning the New York marathon and is hoping to prove again here that babies don't spell the end for elite sportswomen.
Davenport, 32, is another. She is one of a handful of mothers still playing on the WTA Tour, returning last year after giving birth to Jagger with the specific goal of playing the Olympics.
Sadly for her, injury has forced cut short her singles dream, but the doubles remain on her radar.
"I didn't think my body would bounce back as fast as it has after giving birth, and the strain of pregnancy, so I'm excited now about seeing what can happen," she said ahead of the Australian Open in January, six months after giving birth.
about 6 this morning, my phone was ringing and i saw the screen display "TRIDENT 17" TRIDENT 17, a work call from the rig... my finger just DIDN't want to push the answer button!!!~crazy~ how could this be... somehow this is still not strong enough to wake my little brain cell to work actively. i continued to sleep back...
about 7am, i opened half of my eyes, saw 2 MISSED calls... from "TRIDENT 17" and a text message from drilling superintendant. STill it didn't really creating any vibration or pulse that can gear up my brain cell. sleep again....
15mins later...DAMMIT!!! I HAVE MISSED CALL!!!!
this is the signed that my brain cell just been rejuvenated after few attempts.
I have missed several important call from the rig... feel very 'guilty' and like i have to be punished for not answering!!!
then, made a call back to the rig, and damn it!!!... logging problem :( I KNEW IT...i KNEW it... everytime when i miss the phone, it always A CALL that required decision from the team due to any unforseen circumstances! It just so happen that, i missed the IMPORTANT call when somethind bad is happen... hmmm... maybe IT just doesn't want me to answer BAD CALL... (IT referring to whom?...to what subject??? hehehhe..i dunno either! whatever IT is.)
BUT luckily im not in bad shape, problem still able to be rectified... long relief.....Deep Inhale....Long exhale.... feel better now.
STOP about work. that is not the one and only thing i want to jot here.
it will be way different of reaction can be expected when we had missed call from family, friends, loved one, relative, boss, colleague.
Family, hardly missed their call, even if i miss, i somehow jut have this suernatural reaction of picking up the phone in no seconds and dial back. Urgent or not, i just do that... well,it;s a family bonding thing :) blood is thicker than water!
From friends and colleague, i tend to missed their call. be it my cellphone in the silent mode, or i had something in hand that i m unable to answer the call.
From loved one, i wish i received any call from loved one, which is i don't have or i have or i never have or ..ahh whatever it is laaaahhh!!!
i read this article, whch make me smile today, very nice one :) and trully inspiring!!
Sports mums juggle duties
Trying to be a mother and a champion Olympian simultaneously is a tough task, but the Beijing Games has its fair share of mums juggling their duties.
BEJING (AFP) -
Trying to be a mother and a champion Olympian simultaneously is a tough task, but the Beijing Games has its fair share of mums juggling their duties.
Some of the better-known include British marathon runner Paula Radcliffe, American tennis star Lindsay Davenport, and Japan's seven-time world judo champion Ryoko Tani.
But there are plenty more changing nappies one minute and training the next.
Italian fencer Valentina Vezzali hasn't let having a child get in her way of being the best in the world, making Olympics history here by becoming the first person to win three successive individual titles with victory in the foil.
She did it for her son.
"My son asked me for a medal, but he didn't ask for a particular one," she said. "Here it is."
Judoka Xian Dongmei put family matters on hold to achieve her Olympic dream, and now she is China's first gold-medal mum she can't wait to return home.
"I miss my child so much," said Xian who defended her women's -52kg title.
"After the Olympics I will go back home quickly and make up for the love I have missed."
Xian gave birth to daughter Liu Jiahui in January last year, had been criticised in local media as "cold-hearted" for giving up feeding her baby after seven months to focus on her Olympic build up.
They are not the first supermums to win a medal after going through labour.
Ethiopia's Derartu Tulu, the 10,000-metre Olympic gold medallist in 1992, won the title again in 2000 two years after giving birth to a daughter.
And Australia's Jana Rawlinson, missing from Beijing due to injury, famously regained her 400-metre hurdles world title last year just eights months after having a baby.
US swimmer Dara Torres has a two-year-old daughter Tessa and at 41 is old enough to be the mother of many athletes in Beijing.
Yet despite having a young child she was driven to get back in the water and became the oldest Olympic swimming medallist ever when she anchored the US team to silver in the 4x100 metres freestyle relay this week.
"There are a lot of middle-aged women and men, who have contacted me or stopped me in the street, and they have told me that I am an inspiration to them," she said.
The legendary Tani, 32, has become a source of inspiration for working mothers in a male-dominated Japanese society since giving birth to her son in late 2005 and returning to her sport after a two-year maternity break.
The double Olympic gold medallist managed a bronze here, and said her family inspired her to compete again when many felt she would retire.
"Without the support of my family, I would not have made a new challenge. I stood on the tatami (mat) with the same feeling as one of the mothers out there," she said.
The 34-year-old Radcliffe, determined to make amends for her shock defeat at the Athens Olympics when broke down in tears, is back at her best after taking time off last year to have her first child.
She made a remarkable comeback soon after delivering Isla by winning the New York marathon and is hoping to prove again here that babies don't spell the end for elite sportswomen.
Davenport, 32, is another. She is one of a handful of mothers still playing on the WTA Tour, returning last year after giving birth to Jagger with the specific goal of playing the Olympics.
Sadly for her, injury has forced cut short her singles dream, but the doubles remain on her radar.
"I didn't think my body would bounce back as fast as it has after giving birth, and the strain of pregnancy, so I'm excited now about seeing what can happen," she said ahead of the Australian Open in January, six months after giving birth.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE!!!
"yeah, i know what i am going to do!!"
I'm screaming, yelling, and shouting out loud!I have lay out a list of career path, what my future should be, and where i suppose to be at one point of life. This great plan really make me feel proud and fill my heart blissfully.
the next day when i wake up, i realised that THE GREAT PLAN was belong to yesterday. i wake up from my bed, staring plainly to the ceiling fan, dunno what i'm suppose to do. Wondering what went wrong to my so called great plan, which is not REALLY astonishing, not quite motivating my day courageously.
Should i doubt on what i am doing? is there anyone out there CAN tell me am i on my path?
cause sometimes i feel SO WRONG standing here, and im not belong to where i am. HOW would i know that? I dunno how, and i don't want to know.
i belive TIME leads me, & heading to the road where i suppose to go. So many things in life that i have been regret for not doing it, or saying it, or for not even take a chance of it. The worst is, i can't make it right. The only thing i can do is look and wait till it collapse.
I've been through the moment of destruction, devastation, wreckage due to my ignorance. I just don't know how to appreciate some part of my missing puzzle in my life. When i found THE PIECE, well... as a considerate grateful human being, i should have just get pleasure from it. APPARENTLY,i somehow retarded at my silly moment,Or just being damn plain stupid, try to scrutinize non-existence skeptical, and manipulate it to worst!!! WHY WHY WHY??? why i have to spend the moment in time TO DESTROY all the good thing in hand?
i have this rubble and fragility of faith especially in a relationship. occasionally i f**k-up the whole damn relationship, nothing stays longer. i am not intentionally to spoil the whole thing... there are things that the XY species just don't get sometimes... the way i think probably not fit to most of the XY. i hope, well someday, i will find XY that can make me speechless in any way.
I am still a normal XX. i still cry when my tear rolls.i do miss to be loved, i would be a liar if i say i don't.
I just need a HOME for all these.
I'm screaming, yelling, and shouting out loud!I have lay out a list of career path, what my future should be, and where i suppose to be at one point of life. This great plan really make me feel proud and fill my heart blissfully.
the next day when i wake up, i realised that THE GREAT PLAN was belong to yesterday. i wake up from my bed, staring plainly to the ceiling fan, dunno what i'm suppose to do. Wondering what went wrong to my so called great plan, which is not REALLY astonishing, not quite motivating my day courageously.
Should i doubt on what i am doing? is there anyone out there CAN tell me am i on my path?
cause sometimes i feel SO WRONG standing here, and im not belong to where i am. HOW would i know that? I dunno how, and i don't want to know.
i belive TIME leads me, & heading to the road where i suppose to go. So many things in life that i have been regret for not doing it, or saying it, or for not even take a chance of it. The worst is, i can't make it right. The only thing i can do is look and wait till it collapse.
I've been through the moment of destruction, devastation, wreckage due to my ignorance. I just don't know how to appreciate some part of my missing puzzle in my life. When i found THE PIECE, well... as a considerate grateful human being, i should have just get pleasure from it. APPARENTLY,i somehow retarded at my silly moment,Or just being damn plain stupid, try to scrutinize non-existence skeptical, and manipulate it to worst!!! WHY WHY WHY??? why i have to spend the moment in time TO DESTROY all the good thing in hand?
i have this rubble and fragility of faith especially in a relationship. occasionally i f**k-up the whole damn relationship, nothing stays longer. i am not intentionally to spoil the whole thing... there are things that the XY species just don't get sometimes... the way i think probably not fit to most of the XY. i hope, well someday, i will find XY that can make me speechless in any way.
I am still a normal XX. i still cry when my tear rolls.i do miss to be loved, i would be a liar if i say i don't.
I just need a HOME for all these.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Used to be so easy... but not anymore
- easeDpain of life traveller
- A young lad inspired & standing firm by the idea of accountability & responsibility, tolerancy,sentimental and sometimes sensitive, eager to AIM further,charitable & altruistic not wt cash but wt my 2hands given gy GOD.
